Good communication is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage relationship. Unfortunately it is often the most troublesome aspect in a marriage. A dating couple never seems to have any trouble talking to one another; however many couples report that after marriage, good communication is the first to go. This is distressful to both partners.

How is a couple to sort this out? Seeing that this is a common problem for most couples, there are many resources out there that can offer some help. A good understanding of gender differences is also important in learning to communicate effectively.

Healthy communication is a skill that can be acquired, but requires work and consistent practice. And where knowledge is lacking, a teachable heart and willingness to change can go a long way.

Question 1

When my husband and I were dating, we could talk for hours about anything and everything.  Now that we’re married, we go out to dinner and have nothing to say to each other.  What has gone wrong?  Now he just keeps his thoughts to himself.

Millions of couples experience that transformation. They talk endlessly before marriage but find themselves with little to say a few years after. When the courtship is over, some people find it very difficult to express their feelings openly and honestly. That is truer of men than women as a general rule.

Research makes it clear that little girls are blessed with greater linguistic ability than little boys, and it remains a lifelong talent. Simply stated, she talks more than him. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reticence.

God may have given her 50,000 words per day and her husband only 25,000. He comes home from work with 24,975 used up and merely grunts his way through the evening. He may descend into laughs on TV while his wife is dying to expend her remaining 25,000 words.

Every knowledgeable marriage counselor knows that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their inner thoughts to their wives is one of the common complaints of women.

A wife wants to know what her husband is thinking and what happened at his office and how he sees the children and, especially, how he feels about her. The husband, by contrast, finds some things better left unsaid. It is a classic struggle.

You and your husband can overcome the problem if you will get it out in the open and agree to work together on communication. It is a key to a successful marriage.

Question 2

My husband is somewhat insensitive to my needs, but I believe he is willing to do better if I can teach him how I am different from him.  Can you help me communicate my needs to him effectively?

Perhaps I can begin by suggesting how not to handle this objective. Try not to resort to what I have called the “bludgeoning technique,” which includes an endless barrage of nagging, pleading, scolding, complaining, and accusing.

Avoid the impulse to say at the end of a tiring workday, “Won’t you just put down that newspaper, George, and give me five minutes of your time? Five minutes – is that too much to ask? You never seem to care about my feelings, anyway.

“How long has it been since we went out for dinner?  Even if we did, you’d probably take the newspaper along with you. I’ll tell you, George, sometimes I think you don’t care about me and the kids anymore.

“If just once – just once – you would show a little love and understanding, I would drop dead from sheer shock,” etc., etc., etc.

That is not the way to get George’s attention. It’s like hitting him with a bat, which is guaranteed to make him mad, silent, or both. Instead of yelling at him, you should look for opportunities to teach your husband during moments when he is most likely to be listening.

That instruction requires the proper timing, setting, and manner to be effective. Let’s look at those three ingredients:

1) Timing. Select a moment when your husband is typically more responsive and pleasant.  That is most likely to be in the morning – perhaps on a Saturday, when his workday pressures are less.

By all means, don’t blunder into a depressing, angry diatribe when he is tired and hungry. Give your effort every opportunity to succeed.

2) Setting. The ideal situation is to ask your husband to take you on an overnight or weekend trip to a pleasant area. If financial considerations will cause him to decline, save the money out of household funds or other resources.

If it is impossible to get away, hire a babysitter and go out to breakfast or dinner alone. If that, too, is out of the question, then select a time at home when the children are occupied and the phone can be taken off the hook.

Generally speaking, the farther you can get him from home, with its cares and problems and stresses, the better will be your chances to achieve genuine communication.

3) Manner. It is extremely important that your husband does not view your conversation as a personal attack. We are all equipped with emotional defenses that rise to our aid when we are vilified.

Don’t trigger those mechanisms. Instead, your manner should be as warm, loving, and supportive as possible under the circumstances.

Let it be known that you are trying to communicate your own needs rather than emphasizing his inadequacies as a husband.

When the timing, setting, and manner converge to produce a moment of opportunity, express your deep feelings as effectively as possible.

For those who wonder how I know so much about getting the attention of husbands, it’s because my wife approached me in exactly this manner. She got her message through.

Question 3

What advice would you give to a woman whose husband just won’t respond to her emotionally? That’s my situation. Darrell is a good man, but he’s not romantic, and he’d rather keep his thoughts to himself. How can I deal with the longing inside me?

Some men will never be able to meet the needs of their wives. They don’t understand how women think and have never been required to “give” to anyone.

Those who are married to these unromantic and non-communicative men must decide what is reasonable to expect and how they can forge a meaningful life together. Or they can seek an early divorce. I think the former is better!

If Darrell is such a man, my advice is that you attempt to show him, without nagging or becoming angry, how you are different from him and what your unique needs are.

Work to change that which can be improved in your relationship, explain that which can be understood, resolve that which can be settled, and negotiate that which is open to compromise.

Create the best marriage possible from the raw materials brought by two imperfect human beings with two distinctly unique personalities. But for all the rough edges that can never be smoothed and the faults that can never be eradicated, try to develop the best possible outlook and determine to accept reality exactly as it is.

The first principle of mental health is to accept that which cannot be changed. You could easily descend into depression over the circumstances in your life. But you can also choose to hang tough and be contented in spite of them. The operative word is choose.

Can you accept your husband just as he is? Seldom does one human being satisfy every longing and hope in the breast of another. Obviously, this coin has two sides: You can’t be his perfect woman, either.

He is no more equipped to resolve your entire package of emotional needs than you are to become his sexual dream machine every twenty-four hours. Both partners have to settle for human foibles and faults, irritability and fatigue, and the occasional nighttime “headaches”.

A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns: It is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of “unresolvables.”

It does not mean that this advice is easy to implement or that it will take away the longing you described, but every human being eventually encounters difficult situations that are beyond his or her control.

At that point, a person is either going to collapse, run, become angry, or do all three. I submit that acceptance is a better alternative.

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