Roger Farr

Roger and Sue Farr are leadership trainers and developers, writing on a subject close to their heart - leadership in the family.

In this article, I’d like to address the process of sending a young person successfully out from the home on a specific mission. We have our three children at university pursuing various degrees as a part of fulfilling their life purpose plans.

Others may be looking at sending their sons or daughters out for a one-week or longer trip to gain experience or to be under the influence of good role models.

As I speak at various homeschool bookfairs, parents often ask questions on how to do this successfully.

First, the sending out process starts with a purpose or a goal. When a military unit is sent out, they have a clear mission and desired end goal. My wife, Sue, and I want our young adults to know why they are being sent and what success looks like at the end.

As a case in point, several years ago we sent Peter, our oldest, out for two weeks to learn how to fly an airplane. He knew what he was to do, namely, to learn, to the best of his ability, how to fly airplanes.

What would success look like? Peter would be physically, emotionally, and mentally able to do the task, but more importantly we, his parents, would see a spark in his eye and “fire in the belly,” or passion, for the role of being a pilot to help others.

Peter was able to fly the plane but he did not have the passion and so he is pursuing architecture instead. Mission accomplished! (How we got to architecture is another story. Peter still enjoys flying with me!)

Next, there must be accountability and check points along the way. The sooner we as parents know that our children are off course or not making proper progress, the sooner we can intervene.

If our child is being lazy we admonish him or her with strong words and consequences, if called for. If one is afraid of failing or unsure he or she can do what is being asked then we can visit, encourage, and generally come alongside them.

Yes, we’ve made a four-hour drive to their dorm rooms to do their laundry, assist with some mundane task, or simply to free up time during a stressful period.

Sometimes we realize that our child is weak, or unable to do, what is being asked of him or her.

Here we have to be especially wise to discern what the real reason is. If it is mental or physical capability, then we may have to suggest a different path in life. If it is a spiritual matter, we intervene with specific spiritual action steps on their behalf.

In all cases we are called to be patient and assure each of our love for him or her and our desire for the best in their lives. Bottom line, when our children are on a mission, we do periodic checks to make sure that each one is set up for successful completion.

Third, the receiving party must also know the goal and provide meaningful feedback. This means that the ones to whom you are sending your son or daughter must clearly understand what you want them to accomplish, and be able to quickly interface with you if things are not progressing well.

When our children were in their teen years, we sent them to various families, whom we knew well, respected, and trusted, for training and exposure.

If the time away was more than a week, we set up review times with the family to make sure all was progressing well; otherwise, we simply received a written report at the end of their time.

In the report or review we wanted to know the answer to two simple questions, “What did you learn from this experience, about the family, and about yourself?” and “What did this experience confirm in your heart about your life purpose plan?”

The answers to these two questions helped us in unlocking our children and directing them further as they grew and developed.

We asked the family with whom they spent time to tell us about their character, behaviour, and attitude while our child was with them.

This gave us an outsider’s view of our children and helped us to hone our parenting skills … or practice humility! Feedback is critical in making continued progress in life; it is a treasure!

For any of this to make sense, a young person and his parents must have some idea of how they are going to spend their life on this earth. The purpose of sending our young people out is to “get them dirty.”

By this I mean to experience life in a controlled and structured environment outside of their own home so they can rightly understand who they are to be and what they are to do with their lives.

It is really a way to check the dream they have for themselves by living it for a time in a controlled test environment.

If you have not spent any time thinking about the future, I recommend www.lifepurposeplanning.org as a great tool to use and a good place to get started.

Sue and I are grateful for the many families who have taken our children in and trained them for a time. Their feedback to us has been invaluable in assisting us to properly direct their future and path.

You may be asking, “How do I find such families who can assist me?” The first and best way is through your religious community or any other support group. These folks will usually be like-minded in their approach and able to provide the needed support and correction.

Next best are trusted organizations which offer opportunities or services that match the experiences you desire for your young person. We at ALERT Cadet have had many young people stay and serve with us for a few weeks to a year and even longer.

Lastly would be to find individuals or corporations in your community who could offer the experience you are looking for. You will want to tread carefully to make sure these folks will uphold the standards of conduct and behaviour you have for your young people.

May God give you (and us) as parents wisdom to raise your sons and daughters in the best way possible.

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