Roger Farr

Roger and Sue Farr are leadership trainers and developers, writing on a subject close to their heart - leadership in the family.

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I have read this passage many times, and each time I am struck by the orderliness of our world and how God has ordained a time for everything. There is a time for everything and we must do the appointed things at the appointed times.

• Child – up to age 11-13
• Young man – from 11-13 to 17-19
• Man – age 18 and beyond

Child -- When Parents Control

In this season of development, children act like children. They learn, but they also do “dumb stuff”.  Fathers and mothers always seem to be correcting and training their children. This is because we are! It is a part of the package when God gave us children.

At this season of development we must break the will of our children, but not the spirit. We must teach them a proper response to the authorities in their lives, including us as fathers.

If they do not learn to be under proper parental authority at this season in their lives, they will struggle with being under any authority as they mature.

Parents control most of their life at this season. As children begin the process of leaving childish ways behind, we begin to transfer control in those areas from ourselves to them as outlined below.

Young Man -- When Self Controls

The ability to accept and to discharge responsibility is probably the clearest standard to mark the transition from childhood to manhood. At this season of our sons’ development, we are seeking to transfer control of their lives from the parents to the young man.

As he takes on responsibility as a result of training and maturity, we transfer control to him and allow him to make mistakes utilizing us as fathers as the safety net. We allow natural consequences to occur; we do not shelter him from the effects of his decisions. We are there to provide wisdom and counsel in the making of those decisions.

My personal goal during this season is to teach my sons self control. They must exhibit the ability to restrain themselves and to limit their freedoms willingly in deference to those around them.

While this is not the only goal, as I will share below, I believe it is the primary goal at this season of life.

Without the ability to control themselves, they will give in to the lusts and lures of the world and be led astray and ultimately destroyed as simple or naive young men.

I believe that in the process of teaching our children to be self-controlled, I, as their father, learn the very same lessons!

Man – When Wisdom Leads

In this season of development, we are seeking to take our young men and prepare them to lead their own families well.

A main ingredient to accomplish this is that they receive, to an even greater extent than before, wisdom. This does not mean that we as earthly fathers do not provide counsel, but rather that we help them to apply good principles to life situations and decisions.

In this final season of development under our tutelage, they will also make life-altering decisions such as their life calling (career and service), the choice of a life-mate, and decisions on how to utilize their time, talents, and treasures.

If we have successfully navigated the training from parent-controlled to self-controlled to wisdom-controlled and we have their hearts, then the discussions with our sons on these topics become fun, exciting, and challenging all at the same time.

The arrow that has been crafted so carefully over the years is on the string, and the bow is pulled back ready to shoot out that arrow.

I hope this simple model of child development is helpful. Sue and I have taught this and utilized it with our three children. It gave us a common language to speak so they understood where we were in the seasons and when we released control to them.

We are now in the last season of training with them and are reaping the fruit we have sown earlier. The fruit is sweet! May it be so for you, as well, as you train up your children in the way they should go.

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